On January 23, 2001, I can remember asking my husband to stop at the store so I can run in and get a few things. I didn't want him to know I thought I was pregnant, mainly because I didn't want to disappoint him if it was a false alarm.

I bought the pregnancy test along with a few other things as my husband waited in the car. Upon returning, I decided the safest place for the bag was on the floor, close to my feet where my husband couldn't see it. Needless to say, we hit major traffic on the way home I eventually fell asleep.

That's when my husband decided to thumb through the bag. I think he knew I was up to something at that point. As he was digging, he came across the PT. He didn't say anything...just put it back without me knowing he saw it.

We finally get home. I carried the bag up to the house, telling my husband I needed to use the restroom. But before I got the chance, he grabbed the bag, pulled out the PT and says, "we are doing this together!" I smiled, he smiled and we took the test together.

We decided that neither one of us was going to cheat when it was time to read the results. So we covered up the test right after taking it and left the room. Upon returning, I gently pulled the washcloth back and we both read the results together. No blue line. We thought - okay...so we're not pregnant. But after taking a closer look, we saw a very faint blue line. We referred to the PT instruction book and read that no matter what shade of blue - whether a faint line or dark line - it is considered positive. We were confused, but decided to consider it a "yes" until another test was taken.

We scheduled a doctor appointment for that Friday. We took the PT and waited impatiently for the results in the exam room. By this time, my husband and I started talking about names for the baby...about everything. During our conversation, there was a quiet knock at the door. It was the doctor. She was there to tell us that our test has come back negative. I wasn't pregnant.

We left that day feeling sad and helpless. A week passes by, still no period. I called the doctor to schedule another PT. Immediatly after taking the test, my husband got a message on his pager that he needed to return to work right then. So he left as I waited. Not one minute after him leaving, I was called back to the office where I was told we were prenant. I was so happy. I only wish my husband could have been there to hear those words.

After telling my husband we were pregnant, we began planning for the arrival of our sweet angel. I was having a fairly normal pregnancy, until one night, I woke up to a "gushing" feeling. I went to the restroom, but saw nothing. No big deal - so I thought. Then, the following night, it happened again. I called the doctor and was told to come in for an exam. After the exam, I was told that my cervix was closed and everything seems to be progressing normally.

A few nights pass, and on March 28, I went to bed feeling light cramping in my lower abdomen. I told my husband I wasn't feeling well and was going to bed for the night. The next morning, as I got out of bed, I felt a strong, warm gush down my leg. As I turned the light on, I looked down and saw bright red blood. I thought, "Oh God, help me please. Please don't let me lose this baby."

I went to the ER a few hours later and they performed an ultrasound. I got to see the baby for the first time, how cute and small he looked! His measurements dated the pregnancy at 14 weeks. His heart tones were strong and he was having a ball in there...trying to do summersaults and waving his arms around. All I could do was smile until I heard what I couldn't believe. The ultrasound revealed I was in danger of a miscarriage. The placenta was low-lying, at the tip of my cervix, and was detaching from the uterine wall. My heart sank when I heard those words.

I went home in denial. I thought to myself..."I couldn't be losing this baby, I just saw the baby - healthy and active..." A few days pass and I began to pass large blood clots. I returned to the ER and was told my cervix was still closed and the baby was doing fine. His heart was beating at 140 bpm, but it was just a matter of time before we would lose our baby. The blood work had revealed the pregnancy hormone was dramatically dropping, as a result of the detaching placenta. Very slowly, our baby was losing the source needed for viability. Once again, my heart sank when I heard those words.

That day, April 4th, is the day I will always remember. Little did I know, it would be the last time I would ever hear the beating of my baby's heart.

On April 9th, I went to a routine doctor visit. I will never forget the look on his face when the Doppler wasn't picking up fetal heart tones. He became overwhelmed in concentration as he tried desperatly to hear any sound at all. After 5 long minutes, he gave up and called the Radiologist for an ultrasound. He scheduled it for the following morning at the hospital.

April 10th comes, my husband and I go to the hospital for the ultrasound. I can remember my husbands face as he watched our little angel on the monitor. Some smiles, some confused looks, some very nervous looks. He asked the ultrasound technician a few questions, but she wouldn't answer us. The only thing she said after making a phone call to our doctor was, "Your doctor would like to see you right now."

I knew this couldn't be good. In the back of my mind I knew our baby had died. But there was still that hope. I could have never prepared myself for what I was about to be told. Together, my husband and I were told that our baby had passed away. I completly lost it. I don't know what I would have done if my husband wasn't there to be my rock. I cried on his shoulder for what seemed like forever. The doctor tried his best to explain the next procedures, but all I wanted to do was go home and mourn the loss of our precious child.

April 12th, as I rested on the couch, I felt a sudden gush of blood. I got up to go to the restroom and was scared at how much blood I was actually losing. It wouldn't stop. I waited and waited, but it kept coming. I knew this was it. It was time for our baby to be born.

I went to the hospital to be examined. I was told that my cervix had begin to dilate, and that part of the baby was beginning to come through. I was also told that I had a severe infection called "Endomitritis" and that I was in very bad shape. I didn't have the chance to make any decisions...the surgeon made them for me. He said I needed to get to the operating room immediately.

By now, it is April 13th at 3:00 in the morning. As they wheeled me into the operating room, I said a little prayer. I asked the Lord to please welcome our baby into Heavens playground. Let him bloom with all the other angel babies and to please let him know that one day Mommy and Daddy will be there to hold him and to see his smile.

Before they administered my anesthesia, I took the opportunity to say good-bye to my son. I knew that when I woke up, my baby would have already been taken from the only place he ever knew...Mommy

Saying good-bye was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I take comfort in knowing he was loved by everyone and that he can count on Mommy's promise to him. I promised that one day, we will all be together again...playing in the patches of Heaven.